I had been unwell lately. There’s a saying that goes “sakit itu penghapus dosa”… I sure do have a lot of sins to repent for, though I don’t think any amount of physical pain would be enough penance.

Yesterday I went to see a doctor for the physical pain that I had been having. I’ve been loosing weight. So far, I’ve lost almost 3kg. My lower back hurts, sometimes with a tingling, sometimes just plain painful, and it seems connected to the leg somehow coz it usually happens when I’m walking or sitting, or simply moving a lot. It’s only on the left side of my body. That’s good news.

Since I’m against taking painkillers nowadays, I have to either endure it or try to twist and turn my back/leg to find a position that alleviates the pain. I searched for the symptoms on the internet and I think it’s ‘sciatica’, probably not as serious as a slipped disc. The doctor wrote a reference letter to an orthopedic specialist. My first appointment will be on the 13^th of January, exactly two months of being 26 years old, though at times it feels like I turned 62 instead of 26. Although she said I shouldn’t have taken so long to see a doctor, the least I would have to go through is physiotherapy. That’s good news.

Anyhow, having to go through physical pain is much better than having to go through emotional pain. Maybe I am an extremist…but I’d rather loose my life than loose my heart, all the people that I love. So, since it’s just physical pain, THAT’S GOOD NEWS.

During the function, I kept myself in a room which was filled with kids and a few of my husband’s relatives. Of course, at the 11th hour of the function, my husband gave me a lecture for not going out and socializing. I tried to make him understand how it feels like to walk into a function almost full of strangers who know each other. The dreadfulness of standing awkwardly in group that’s talking I-have-no-clue-about and to make things worst, in their thick local dialect. I felt that it was so hard for me to fit in. Unlike my husband, I did not grow up surrounded by constantly visiting relatives. I grew up surrounded by books and my nucleus family (meaning ONLY mom, dad, and siblings). I rarely even ‘balik kampung’ for raya celebrations.

Yesterday, I gave a deep thought about it. When you perceive yourself as socially inept, there are a lot of things that you are not willing to do and skills that you would not learn. What skills? Skills to win friends, to influence people, to be popular, to converse easily, to negotiate successfully, and to produce the desired outcome of a social relationship. Although I could probably rule the world with all those skills, I’d feel like a huge burden has been lifted if I could just converse easily.

So, I’ve decided that my first step is to try to talk to strangers (with sound judgement of which stranger to choose) and not-so-strangers and learn about THEM. Who doesn’t like talking about themselves? Hmmm…I think that’s a good start.

I’ll only start my first step AFTER I finish reading a few books on how to talk (about anything to anyone) and still be liked…and loved.

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” -Abraham Lincoln-

Yes, I am very flawed. But who dare say they are prefect? Unless, perfectly flawed.

Life IS beautiful although sometimes I am too depressed to see that and thankfully, I have people who care about me to remind me of that.